My Fight With Uncertainty Continues

I don't remember that anyone ever told me to fight for what I wanted. Because, I don't think I ever knew or made it clear to anyone around me. For me it was enough to just live, be or whatever.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that other than that it's left me unprepared and constantly frustrated from day-to-day. But let me put this together for you.

I don't have time to put together a plan. My daily writing habits usually put me in two modes, 1. at a high cerebral level, trying to come up with something to write about or 2. burnout, where I can't even string two words together to save my life.

This doesn't leave me very much opportunity to write anywhere else. So for the meantime, I'm only writing for one revenue-sharing service where I earn the majority of my income.

This also leaves me with very little choice but to plan out other things that that income can support, assuming there aren't drastic changes. These drastic changes I've written about through the same service, since it seems to immediately benefit those within that specific community.

But it looks like I might have expressed my enjoyment a bit too soon because in another post, I found that my saint-like patience would be tested.

Right now, I'm waiting for some of these redemption payments which are already behind by several days. That's generally not a big deal for me. What is a big deal is not knowing if I'm still going to get the other pending payments before the rules changed when I need them?

I think I might need to explain this a bit more.

These are the dates I redeemed:

[09.21.2014],
[09.25.2014],
[10.03.2014],
[10.09.2014]

The rules are that one month after the redemption date, these payments are processed. So, regarding the first date, I expected to get a deposit notice via email on 10.21.2014.

I understand how things work! If not on that date than maybe two to three days after that. No big deal.

Maybe you're expecting that I'm financially well enough to be so said laid-back, but that's not true at all. I just understand how these things work. I made a commitment to deal with it when I first started; to just be patient.

But here's another very important detail about these redemption payments. The last three dates are at double the payments before them. So, the sums are larger which concerns me a bit more as they're in that pending limbo I mentioned, all during the time that the policy to redeem once a month kicked in with the additional 60 days redemption to deposit date.

All of this is uncertain and even more so if I only rely on this site for income. Besides this very tedious and stressful issue, I don't know that I would be doing myself a service by complaining. Most people get frustrated with even less, and I don't want to be that guy. I am going to stick with it but, I'm also seeing the reality of me returning to those online freelance slave-markets I hate.  

That just makes the fact that money is money more obscene. 

My Writing Warm Up Is Uninspired

I just woke up within the last hour. Not much going on. Trying to get prepared for this coming weekend, specifically Friday for a interview with a musician who's coming into town. The only thing I can think of is prepping up the show I'm going to put him on for my podcast. That might be ready to post on the same day or I'll hold onto it for some other time. Which of the two will be smarter is a hard guess. I want to give an update on some of the things that happened yesterday that gave me a better look at what I have to look forward to. Wow. When you keep your head down and stay focused, so many things can happen to you that you don't realize are until you lookup and see them from a distance.

Dream Tracking And Daily Writing

First thing that happened was having this wild dream, where telling it might get the authorities called on me but it was just a dream, nothing real. I mean if anything, blame the media. But I remembered as much of it as I could and made a mental note after waking up to write it down.

It's been a while since I've written down any of my dreams. I'd already made another mental note to write them down by the bulk as soon as I could. It's one of those things that frustrate me when I don't keep up with them. Especially now that I'm thinking about it, I can't push myself to write them because I have to write other things first like, this post. It's petty but it makes sense to me.

But yesterday morning, or really more like afternoon since I woke up closer to one, I stayed in the living room watching some television until I could move into the room to start writing. My mom was in the room at my desk making phone calls so, I just waited until she was done for me to move right in there and start my day.

Yesterday was probably one of the first few days that I took my time to write something to my best ability. It seems somewhat worthwhile too because my posts got some responses and still frustrated because I didn't completely finish keeping track of all of those things such as putting them on my blogs. It just takes too much time. Now, I'm awake and getting started with my writing day. I also need to follow up on this payment shit because I'm expecting payment for what I've written and so far, I have no idea if it's ever going to happen.

I Forgot What I Was Going To Write About!

I'm going to try something new here. It's something I did before on another blog I post on, where I would post every single post I write every time I would write it. So, that's what I'm gonna do now, starting with this one:

Blank canvas by PixaBay

Let me first tell you why this is appropriate for this blog. Because it's another one of these battles between me and a blank page, what the fuck can I do but sit here and try to muscle through some half-assed ideas to put something on it?

Time isn't on my side when this shit happens and it's extremely frustrating. Even worse is that I knew what I was going to write about only a few seconds before. GodDAMMIT! So it's another obstacle for me to overcome, but again, what the fuck do I do? Well, I try to write about what I was doing in order to jiggle that memory lever. I almost had it. (I Forgot What I Was Going To Write About!)

What's It Like To Be A Writer?

listen to a lot of podcasts about the entertainment business. From time to time, a interview will go to an area where they just sit and dwell on the thought that they're in show business. They want to feel it and they express it well, but only when they lift their head up from what they're doing.

I'm kind of in the same boat with this writing thing. Everyday, I cross over these hurdles in my life and in my writing, and I don't take the time to appreciate that I have hurdles to overcome. Just a few minutes ago, as I was thinking about some of the topics I was writing about, I had that thought. That today, I wouldn't be doing anything more than what I want to do without having to answer to anyone. And it made me super fucking happy.